Pass Ya Fail
Dad: Iss baar exam me tum paas ho ya fail main tumhe BIKE zarur dilaunga. Son: Kaun si bike? Dad: Pass hue to “PULSAR” college jane ke liye. Fail hue to “RAJDOOT” doodh bechne ke liye.
How to Identify Different Citizens of India
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That’s MUMBAI!!!
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB!!!
Scenario 3 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up.
That’s DELHI!!!
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.
That's AHMEDABAD!!!
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn’t stop because of a virus in the program.
That’s BANGALORE!!!
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that “AMMA” doesn’t like all this nonsense…
Peace settles in...
That’s CHENNAI!!!
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth… and they start arguing about who’s right.
You are in KOLKATA!!!
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says, “Don’t fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep fighting”.
That's KERALA!!!
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.
You are in GOA!!!
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That’s MUMBAI!!!
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB!!!
Scenario 3 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up.
That’s DELHI!!!
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.
That's AHMEDABAD!!!
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn’t stop because of a virus in the program.
That’s BANGALORE!!!
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that “AMMA” doesn’t like all this nonsense…
Peace settles in...
That’s CHENNAI!!!
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth… and they start arguing about who’s right.
You are in KOLKATA!!!
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says, “Don’t fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep fighting”.
That's KERALA!!!
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.
You are in GOA!!!
Genius Monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
Like Father Like Son
Sorry!! Window was a little higher
Ugly Child
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and teach him a lesson – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
The man says: “You go right up there and teach him a lesson – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Cute Cry
Letter from Banta Singh to Bill Gates
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates, We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice:
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any “re-scooter” is available in system? I find only “re-cycle”, but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Dear Mr. Bill Gates, We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice:
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any “re-scooter” is available in system? I find only “re-cycle”, but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Clever Husband
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.Without hesitating, he dictated, “...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.
Indian Way
Three contractors from UK, France and India are bidding to construct a new White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The French contractor takes out a tape and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $90,000: $40,000 for materials, $40,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me.” The UK contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $70,000: $30,000 for materials, $30,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me.” The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$270,000.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Indian contractor whispers back, “$100,000 for me, $100,000 for you, and we hire the contactor from UK to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
Sherlock Holmes
July 2, 2010
Indian Way
Three contractors from UK, France and India are bidding to construct a new White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The French contractor takes out a tape and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $90,000: $40,000 for materials, $40,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me.” The UK contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $70,000: $30,000 for materials, $30,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me.” The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$270,000.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Indian contractor whispers back, “$100,000 for me, $100,000 for you, and we hire the contactor from UK to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
Indian Way
Three contractors from UK, France and India are bidding to construct a new White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The French contractor takes out a tape and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $90,000: $40,000 for materials, $40,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me.” The UK contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $70,000: $30,000 for materials, $30,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me.” The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$270,000.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Indian contractor whispers back, “$100,000 for me, $100,000 for you, and we hire the contactor from UK to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
Spelling Mistake
One spelling mistake can destroy your life. A holidaying husband sent a message to his wife: “I’m having a wonderful time, wish you were her”.
Sardar Detectives
A policeman was training 3 Sardars who were there to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Sardar a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first Sardar answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” (Side pose…) Slightly frustrated by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Sardar and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”The second Sardar giggles, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake, What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?” Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Sardar and in a very testy voice asks, “Now think hard before giving me any stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?? ”The Sardar looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears con tact lenses…”This took the policeman by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn’t tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to him and asked, “How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!” “Well,” he said, “he can’t wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?”
Right to Left
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returnsfrom his Middle East assignment.A friend asked, “Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?”The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...Totally exhausted and panting.Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola andThird, our man is now totally refreshed.Then these posters were pasted all over the place""That should have worked," said the friend.The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
Working in Dark
Two factory workers were talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Project Manager
A project manager, copyeditor, and typesetter are in Pondicherry Beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. On their lunch hours, they often chose to walk up and down the beach. During one of these walks, they stumble upon a lamp. The typesetter picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie appears and says "Normally I would grant 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish." Since he was holding the lamp, the typesetter went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge mansion in Goa, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful girls who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to Goa. The copyeditor went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Pacific, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful girls who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Pacific. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch," replied the project manager.
Points of view
An English professor wrote the following words on board and directed the students to punctuate it correctly:
A WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING
The men wrote:
A WOMAN, WITHOUT HER MAN, IS NOTHING
The women wrote:
A WOMAN: WITHOUT HER, MAN IS NOTHING
A WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING
The men wrote:
A WOMAN, WITHOUT HER MAN, IS NOTHING
The women wrote:
A WOMAN: WITHOUT HER, MAN IS NOTHING